Today I considered that I not only need to work through trauma that occurred to me, but also whatever shitty things I actually have done. That one is possibly harder to work through. It's one thing to say it wasn't my fault as a kid, quite another when it literally was my fault. I mean, I can chock such things up to all manner of upbringing and trauma that caused it of me, but it doesn't change the fact that indeed I caused pain and suffering.
I was listening to more of The Myth of Normal and it started going into how all these cultural things like racism and poverty and whatnot cause all kinds of issues and while I completely agree, I'm internally still just so torn up about how every other person on the planet seems to get special attention to their needs while I waste away. Brings me back to the whole "All Lives Matter" thing because they always seem to leave me out. Doesn't my life matter? And they say yes, of course, but my life isn't the one being beaten by the system and what have you. Yes it is. It is. We're all being beaten down by the system. And I'm so sick of being minimized in that way. Just because some people have it worse doesn't negate that I also have things that messed with me. When do I get love and empathy? Never it seems.
Bringing all this up reminds me of "white fragility." I'm not fragile because I'm white, I'm fragile because I had a shitty childhood. And mocking me certainly doesn't help. But, again, the society doesn't care. And this really does bother me. I've spent my whole life being misunderstood and scorned for who I am yet none of that empathy ever comes my way. The world still hates me because they lump me into a category with bigots and racists because of my race, gender, and sexual orientation. How freaking messed up is that?
Anyway, the world won't change around me so I guess it's stuff I have to work through myself. Like always. Working through it alone... I think listening to all that might have put me on edge. When it came to get my car rental and the app wouldn't work to let me check out, it really got to me. I didn't get in line because it would be faster to use the app but instead it made me take twice as long because some bone-headed programmers couldn't figure out how to make their shit right. But why does that upset me so much? I managed to calm down before getting to the counter, but I wonder if there's something deeper there or if I just got into a bad frame of mind.
Anyway, the book really just made me think this is mostly garbage talking about streams and whatnot. With me trying, and having gotten sick, and with as easy as it is to fall victim to our surroundings and culture around us, it just doesn't make sense. No one can ever achieve it. We'd have to immerse ourselves in a culture of people all seeking the same thing. And where the heck am I going to find people like that? And then as a culture of people all trying to do this, you'd inevitably start judging other people. Like, hey, I'm trying to get in the virtue zone and you're over there playing heavy metal. That can't be helping. Let me help you get the speck out of your eye and all that. It just seems daunting and impossible for something I have absolutely no reason to believe exists. It's just a bunch of myths crammed together.
So anyway, I dunno, might be my last post on this idea for a while until something deep hits me again.
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