What Do You Live For?

 

When we were children, we gathered with friends because being together was itself the point of life. We built forts that served no purpose. We rode bikes with no destination. We spent entire afternoons creating things that nobody would ever buy. We weren't wasting time. We were living. Somehow, somewhere along the way, we decided that enjoyment had to justify itself. Every hobby has to become a side hustle, every talent a business opportunity, every spare moment an investment in some future version of ourselves.

Look at the average adult's life. They spend forty or fifty hours each week earning enough money to support a house that requires constant maintenance, filled with possessions that require constant upkeep, all so they can have a place to come home to after working too much to enjoy it. Weekends become dedicated to mowing lawns, repairing things, cleaning rooms nobody uses, shopping for things they didn't know they needed, and preparing for another week of doing it all over again. Ask people whether they enjoy this rhythm and most will laugh. They don't. They endure it because they believe it's simply what adulthood is.

Who decided this? I want to speak with adulthood management!

Why do five close friends need five houses, five lawns, five sets of tools, five guest bedrooms, five washing machines, five lawn mowers, and five people spending Saturday doing exactly the same chores on five different properties? We talk endlessly about being busy while designing our lives to maximize the amount of work each individual has to perform. We call it independence, but independence from what? Enjoying life?

Imagine instead that the purpose of life wasn't to accumulate things but to maximize enjoyment. Isn't this the obvious truth? Instead of asking how quickly we can afford our own place, we should ask who we actually enjoy living with. Instead of asking how to own everything ourselves, we should ask what makes sense to share. Instead of trying to minimize our dependence on other people, we begin seeing trusted people as one of life's greatest assets rather than one of life's greatest risks.

I'm not talking about surrendering our individuality. I'm talking about reclaiming community. Somehow we've come to believe that growing up means becoming increasingly isolated. We leave our families, move away from our friends, build our own little kingdoms, and then schedule appointments weeks in advance just to spend a few hours with the people who make us laugh. We've accepted this as normal despite the fact that almost everyone complains about feeling lonely and friends become nearly impossible to come by.

What if our friends were more than occasional visitors? What if they were our teammates? What if one person loved cooking, another enjoyed gardening, another fixing things, another teaching children, another creating art, and everyone benefited because everyone contributed in different ways? What if creating together became more important than consuming separately or making money? What if our friend's latest project wasn't something we politely acknowledged before changing the subject, but something we were genuinely excited to help bring into existence with them because their joy added to our own?

I know the common objections. What if someone doesn't contribute? What if people argue? What if someone wants to leave? Of course those things will happen. Every way of living has problems. Marriage has problems. Businesses have problems. Families have problems. Living alone has problems. We don't reject those ideas because they have difficulties. We work through them because we believe the goal is worth pursuing. 

The real obstacle here isn't logistics, but imagination. We have become so accustomed to organizing our lives around ownership, privacy, and individual success that many people cannot picture another way to live. They immediately begin searching for reasons it won't work instead of asking how it could. That's what we've trained ourselves to do. We defend the familiar, even when the familiar leaves us exhausted.

Maybe we've been asking the wrong question all along. Instead of asking how to make our current lives slightly less stressful, perhaps we should be asking what kind of life is actually worth building. One where we own more, or one where we laugh more? One where we protect our independence, or one where we deepen our relationships? One where every person carries the full burden alone, or one where the burdens are lighter because they're shared?

Like Twenty One Pilots' song Stressed Out, we all love the idea of going back to our childhood where we were more carefree. I don't think it's because we miss being children—I think it's because we long for a time when life revolved around enjoyment instead of obligation. We absolutely miss belonging and simply being. We miss having people around to pick up a random game, go for impromtu walk or bike ride, to check out what we can do as we attempt some insane feet just for kicks. We miss creating things simply because we want to. We miss waking up excited about the day instead of relieved that it's Friday. Kids hated going to sleep because the day was so full of wonder and opportunity. And now? We can't wait to sleep and end another exhausting day of self-induced obligations to manage our things while our lives wilt away.

We've been chasing the wrong dream. We don't need bigger houses. We need fuller lives. We don't need more ownership. We need togetherness. We don't need more money before we can start living. Laughter is free. Gratitude is free. Deep discussions, walks, and friendly competition is free. We've traded life for collecting the tools of life rather than actually living it. We've traded the main quest in a video game for running the dailies over and over so that we can buy a sword we'll never use. We stand around proud in the town square as our armor and sword flashes and glows while everyone looks in awe to do the same. Then we each stand separately wondering if the oohs and ahhs were even worth it. They were not. It's about the story on the way, not the achievement at the end. The end is the same for everyone and the only thing that matters is how much we enjoyed it on the way. Let's stop pretending that money will solve our problems and that accumulation is wealth. If we learn to prioritize and share, we won't be too busy to live.

Read Your Mind is Made of Voices for free to begin your journey toward new ways of thinking.

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Look Within to Change World

 

Mahatma Gandhi is often attributed as saying we ought to be the change we wish to see in the world. Michael Jackson wrote a song about starting with the man in the mirror. These concepts have been around for ages. On the surface, they sound like simple lessons that tell us to focus on ourselves, but the truth is far more profound. These aren't messages of changing one person at a time nor are they messages of personal responsibility. They are saying something simpler: Look within to change the world.

There is a deeper truth at play: when we align with certain ways of being, it literally radiates around us and changes our bubbles of experience. Our lives will literally change around us as if by magic. In fact, this is the teaching Mahatma Gandhi actually wrote. The above attribution was more of a response to his teaching than the teaching itself and it lost its power in the conversion. What Gandhi taught was, "As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him." Science has plenty to offer in the ways of explaining this phenomenon, but I also have no problem claiming that science is describing fundamental spiritual principles. Emotional transference or vibrational energy fields is beyond the point. The fact is, we can and do radiate moods or energy that others pick up on and reflect back to us. It's quiet, it's subtle, but it's profound.

Looking within is not simply about improving ourselves. It's about learning to live in such a way that we are truly free and our expression naturally changes the expression of those around us without even trying. We can be decent people while lacking this energetic expression. This isn't about becoming a "better" person. This is about finding ourselves so deeply that we can't help but exude a force around others that helps them find themselves as well. The phenomenon is real. 

Have you ever been near a person who saps the energy out of the room? Someone you dread being around? Someone who takes the joy out of everything? Or how about the person that lights up the room? They make things far more tolerable. They make things fun. These are real things and they can be learned. You can be that depressed or anxious person who brings everyone down or you can be that spark of light that people feel safe beside. This energy you give off is far more important than any skill you may possess as it overrides those skills both in ability and in perception of value. Everyone has the option to choose—the trick is simply learning and growing in that choice. And it's easier than you might imagine.

It all starts with a spark of curiosity and a willingness to try. Looking within isn't about being better for others, it's about being entirely comfortable within our own skin. Don't think in terms of doing more—it's about being more by doing less. Less worry, less strife, less control, and more passive things like appreciation, wonder, and joy. One can work the soup kitchens all day and give everything to the homeless while entirely failing at looking within and becoming this beacon. It's easy and it's freeing—how else would we radiate if it were hard or miserable?

To investigate further—entirely free—begin with Your Mind is Made of Voices and learn to control the stories which control our alignment. 

The Greatest Lie Isn't Spoken

 

The greatest lie ever told isn't spoken—it's believed. It's believed so strongly that many will scoff upon revealing it and roll their eyes. And yet, the lie is the single greatest source of misery in the world. The lie is so powerful that mere comprehension of its deception is impossible for those who believe it. The words used to reveal it are so filled with false expectation and misunderstanding that the rejection of the strawman is valid, but the truth remains hidden and entirely unexplored. If your life is in shambles, no doubt this is why. 

Stick with me as I explain. The lie is the same but comes in a few forms: emotions are weak, love is a farce, or spiritual growth is for fools. This is not a call to religion. This is a call to recognize the power that exists in a particular way of living that is so foreign to the average person that they cannot comprehend until they've actually tried it. The words have been loaded making comprehension challenging. It takes diligence to unpack what it means before one can truly choose to reject or accept it as a possible truth. And even after accepting it, one must actually give it a try before they can truly understand. But the lies are so ingrained, believed, and lived, that one can hardly take the plunge. Emotion, love, and spirituality seem foolish to all but hippies and a religious few. And those who claim the mantle often give it a bad name. It gets rejected before it's even understood, let alone tried when it is.

The fact is, psychology has been showing the way all along, but the word rarely gets out. The philosophies have been around for ages but they're buried by the rubble of time and the fears of the blind. Love and even faith are indeed the way, but we don't know what those mean or even comprehend the way to what. 

To begin to understand, consider what can possibly ail us more than our own minds. Apart from physical harm, our consternation is almost always made entirely from fear. We worry about our jobs—what would happen if we lost them? We worry about perception—what will they think of us if we say or do X? We worry about politics, the economy, and the downfall of our world. How much of this suffering are we experiencing as we sit on our bums staring at our pocket computers in perfect capacity for relaxation and safety? We worry about all these things that are not at our doorstep and which we often have little to no control over. And for what? 

Will popping our veins somehow prevent us from losing our jobs? Will our anger somehow cure the world? If Betsy down the street thinks we're a horrible person, is it aided by our anger, defensiveness, and retribution? Of course not. But we think our reactions are just, we think they're necessary, we think these reactions are just the way things are. But why? Because we've never stopped to question our default position that spiritual growth is for fools and love is weak. 

Spirit can be understood scientifically just as much as it can be understood spiritually. It does not require religion nor does it require a concept of God. It doesn't require ghosts or even spirits. Those things can certainly aid the efforts of growth, but it's ultimately about our internal state of affairs. Our spirit can be understood as our mindset—our emotional mode of operation—our mood. A depressed person is a depressed spirit. A happy person is a happy spirit. A spirit of gratitude is a grateful spirit. When we come to grips with the reality that we are selecting lower moods by our unwillingness to grow spiritually and thereby see the world through a greater lens, we can finally begin our ascent to happiness. Choosing between low and high moods is the very growth of spirit.

When we realize that the vast majority of our suffering comes solely from our own fear, we can begin to reduce our suffering through the ascension of our spirit. This isn't weak. It is the single most important aspect of our lives. It is the one and only thing that has the potential to make us happy. And a spirit of love is the one and only source of actual joy. To deny that growth, and to deny love as weak, is to deny the only thing that could ever make us happy: our own mindset. We have the power to make anything miserable and we have the power to make anything joyful. 

All that remains is "faith" that this is so, and "faith" to take the charge and grow out of our self-made holes of despair. This faith can be in science and psychology, it could be in a God to guide us, or it can be in the mechanics of quantum fields and multi-world string theory. The faith can also be in the simplicity of logic that fear won't help so we'll simply not utilize it. Faith and Love are indeed the answer to our ultimate joy and the lie would have many of us turn our heads in disgust or misunderstand the goal entirely.

When we learn to not simply stop and smell the roses, but to recognize and embody that it's only ever been about the roses, we can begin to understand. We hear truth, but we can't articulate it in our minds how we can abide by it. "The joy is in the journey, not the destination." We often know this, but knowing is not the point—living it is. We can't live it until we release fear and embrace the strength that is found in our pursuit of love. The world may smirk, but only because they haven't understood. It cannot be described in words and it must be found through seeking it out and tasting of it directly. If you're not living your best life, it starts with the stories we tell ourselves and these stories often ignore or outright reject the very things that will bring us joy.

This article is one small piece of a much larger conversation. If you'd like to explore these ideas more thoroughly, Your Mind is Made of Voices is a free e-book available at flow-restoration.com

Faith Has Nothing to Do with Religion

 

When we think of faith, we often think of faith "in God," and this raises a lot of concerns depending on how one thinks of God. Everyone has a preconceived idea of what God is and they accept or reject the notion and so accept or reject faith entirely. But faith has an important role to play since we don't know every facet of reality. How can we do anything at all without some amount of faith that it will be a worthwhile activity in some fashion? Selecting a career is an act of faith. We can research all we want about how much money we might make and perhaps have an idea that we like the work, but an actual location, the actual people and culture, the successes we'll have, the economy, whether or not we'll enjoy it in 10 years, and so much more are entirely unpredictable. We get our degrees and accept our job offers with an extraordinary amount of faith.

When we are children, we only have faith to work on. We cannot do much of anything for ourselves. We must trust that our parents will take care of us, that the schools will teach us effectively to survive in the world, that our bus drivers won't kill us on the way and so on. Faith is an integral part of life from childhood. Most children don't even consider any of these things. Faith guides them—or rather, they are not hindered by fear in their lack of faith. In such a way, faith can be a lack of something just as much as it can be an activity. One can simply refrain from considering all the fearful what-if scenarios, or one can consider them, make calculated decisions where possible, and shrug at the rest, "Whatever happens, I'll work through it!" Both of these scenarios are simply a lack of fear. Faith, then, is the opposite of fear. Fear provides no value whatsoever while faith is the only worthwhile direction.

Now, yes, I do hear the complaints that fear has merit. And to that, I say, "Ha!" and "No, it doesn't." There is a significant difference between shaking in one's boots at the unknown and simply making calculated decisions without fear. Fear only ever makes things worse. There is not a single instance where fear will make us perform better or wiser. Adrenaline, sure, but not fear. Adrenaline can be had without fear. Being startled is also not the same thing as fear. Fear is its own beast. It is the worry, the consternation, and the shutdown of mind and body. It delays our ability to think and it overemphasizes threats. The only time fear could appear useful is when one mistakes coincidence for causation. Acting in fear is never the best course of action.

Now, let's consider faith for a moment before we get too crazy. In the same way that it is not fear that prevents us jumping off a cliff without a parachute, it is not faith to make such a leap. This is simply a stupid thing to do and has nothing to do with faith or fear. Faith is knowing that whatever happens, we will keep our wits about us and do the best with what we've got. Faith is believing that things are possible when we dream they are possible within the constraints of our current understanding. Faith is knowing that if we get moving toward something, we can shift as new information comes rather than getting stuck in analysis paralysis attempting to solve every last problem before anything ever arises. Faith is knowing that we cannot account for absolutely every eventuality and at some point we just need to move. Faith is critical to life and critical to our happiness. Faith is what enables growth to occur whereas fear will keep us stuck. Faith is what enables success where fear keeps us away from action. 

We can only succeed at goals we actually have faith are achievable. Lacking the faith that something is achievable is a sure-fire way to thwart our efforts. This is known psychologically, scientifically, practically, emotionally, and spiritually. We must believe. We must have faith. As to one's God... the value is entirely dependent on their definition. 

A God of wrath who instills fear is not a God I would put faith in for the exact reasons stated above. It is also not faith, per se, but belief. I can believe unicorns exist, but that is not putting my faith in them. Faith has expectations of action. So we cannot have faith in any God beyond what we're expecting such a God to do. A God of love who protects us and directs us is a great thing to put faith in for as much as this leads us to reduce fear. Faith in a God who will let us jump off cliffs, however, is perhaps not a great one to bank on. But one who might protect us if we stumble off a cliff when acting genuinely and authentically? Faith in such a God is a means to remove the fear of pursuing our dreams. Whether or not any of these Gods is real is not the purpose of this article—faith is itself the goal.

All new inventions and bright ideas start with faith that it can be done. Faith is the only reasonable choice. It has nothing to do with religion which can exist without faith. It has nothing to do with belief in the existence of God which can be done without faith. Faith is walking forward with the absence of fear.

To learn more how to apply this knowledge, read Your Mind is Made of Voices or visit us at flow-restoration.com/reflections.html

Your Stories Might Cut You

 

The greatest part of happiness—or misery—is found in the stories we tell ourselves. Stories we don't even realize we're telling. Stories that have been passed down through culture, upbringing, television, and fear. Stories that run as an operating system but secretly eat us away inside. Let's take a look at these stories from an example in my past.

I purchased some shirts from a company called Breeze. I bought an XL because they said they fit slim. When I received the shirts, they were far too small still. I contacted the company while being struck by the fact that I needed to request XXL. In the good ol' US of A, I wear a Large. They informed me that they'd have to charge me $7.95 per shirt to replace them.

I had a few stories running in the background at this time. One story was regarding the silliness of using these size labels. Another story was in regard to how much larger Americans are than some Asian countries where the shirts were no doubt originating from. I told myself a story regarding how they ought to run their business while in America. I ran a side-story regarding how they might be doing this intentionally to get more money out of us. In the end, I landed on the story that I should have simply checked the size chart given that I knew these other facts regarding sizes and other countries. It was also my error that I didn't know my own size when looking at a size chart which is another story regarding men, size labels, and perhaps the US. Either way, I sucked it up and paid the fee. This wasn't terribly upsetting to me as I owned the error myself. 

Fast forward a year, and I purchased another 6 shirts from this company. I selected the same size I did as before since I now knew what size I needed from them. When I received my shirts, however, they were much larger than before. They changed their labeling and provided no warning that they did so. Surely, I told myself, they would own this error—how was I to know that I wouldn't be receiving the exact same size and dimensions once I already know the size that worked for me?

They did not own the mistake and tried to charge me yet again: $47.70 this time. I remained polite and I expected them to eventually understand how they created the conditions for this situation and that I was not to blame. But they never did. They offered 50% off the fee, but that was still an extra $23.85 that "I should not have to pay." Or so the story was told to me in my mind. Where does this story come from? Who made this rule? Why is this my assumption?

The story that I should not have to pay for someone else's error is rooted in a story of fairness. And yet, we all know the world isn't fair. It's not going to be fair. Sometimes we will indeed have to pay for someone else's errors. For some reason, this is hard to swallow. Like a child, our mind throws a little tantrum. Sometimes this tantrum works to our perceived advantage and sometimes it does not, but it always works to our actual disadvantage despite the perception.

If the story I tell myself is simply that of "They're not going to budge and this is the best I'm going to get," and I go no further, the decision is clear: accept the offer and get on with my day. But this is not what happens. We continue to hold the story of fairness. Take them to the BBB, demand a manager, threaten a lawsuit, or threaten to never return. How dare they? And what good does any of this do me? It brings down my mood, my flow, my vibration—whatever word you wish to use. It puts me in a frame of mind of injustice, disappointment, anger, and frustration. Operating from this tone is not great for me. And all for what? For a possibility at $25? To "teach them a lesson"? Do I need to teach them a lesson? Do I really need that $25? We underestimate the power of remaining at a higher tone of being. Retaining our peace is far more valuable than we realize as it permeates through the rest of our activities. This effect is much larger than it appears on the surface. It compounds and reflects in unexpected ways.

Now, I could have still fought the good fight if I knew how to keep my expectations out of it and maintain my peace, but this is rarely feasible unless we're a master at swimming in our mood currents. And even if I could, it would still have taken my time and effort. What truly matters here? Am I going to save the day by inconveniencing one "corrupt" company? Not really. I could take it to the extreme and assume that if everyone did it, it will show these companies what's up, but then I'm telling myself a story that everyone should rise up and punitively punish greedy corporations. 

One could run with story of the lone shirt-buyer taking on the greedy company, but this story is based upon yet another—that punishing greedy corporations is valuable. To explain that story would require another article. In fact, it requires a book—or even a few thousand variants of books. But if you'd like to know more, you can start with Your Mind is Made of Voices. Comprehending the voices in our minds and just how impactful these stories can be to the very world we experience is paramount to our own happiness and even in shaping the world around us. The book is free, but the lessons are invaluable.

For more Reflections, go to flow-restoration.com/reflections.html

Are You Optimizing for Happiness? Or Something Else?

 

Humans have a knack for keeping themselves busy. We have so many things we must do: family events, work, social groups, work, housework, routines, and even work. We do many of these things out of obligation rather than selectively for enjoyment. As we do these things out of obligation, we tend to maintain that "obligation energy." We know these activities as requirements and not as play, and this withers our stores of energy and enjoyment.

We need to take a step back and truly analyze why we do the things we do—especially for work. In the west, our culture has greatly shifted toward career and income as main focuses of attention. We generally choose our career for the sake of the income. But why? We intuitively understand that money is good to have, but most of us stop our analysis right there. We must work. We must make money. Money equals survival and survival seems to be the goal. And if we have more money, we survive even harder?

Obviously we wish to do more than simply survive and we intuit that we'd like to enjoy our lives as well. Money will enable us to enjoy our lives, so we simply seek more money expecting that it will enable more enjoyment here and there. Unfortunately, we're optimizing for money rather than optimizing for enjoyable survival and that quest for money often undermines the actual enjoyment we're able to incur. There are diminishing returns in our quest for more money.

Life is a game of balance. We have so much energy to put toward things every day. We can sacrifice some energy each day for things that enable us to use that energy in more preferred ways later. But we rarely stop to consider the ratio of our sacrifices to enjoyment. If we could have twice as much enjoyment over sacrifice, is that not preferred to twice as much sacrifice over enjoyment? Surely, it is. And yet, we optimize for money rather than for enjoyment. Heck, most of us don't even realize what we prefer to begin with. We're so busy optimizing for money that we don't have time to consider what we truly want. We just assume that eventually we'll have just the right amount of money to finally make us happy.

Unfortunately, as we all should already know, money in and of itself does not make us happy. But if we're so busy chasing money, we have little time to consider what does—and yet, this is the most important aspect of life. If we found that we could be happy fishing all day, then how much money do we truly need? We need just enough to live somewhere, eat, and buy fishing gear. That's not a lot. We could move somewhere warm and live in a tent year round and maybe sell a fish or two every day to pay for tent repairs and fishing gear replacements. 

Granted, most people would expect to want more than fishing for the rest of their lives. Some people like playing video games, watching movies, traveling, creating, or any wide range of activities. But the question is, do you even know what you want? A bigger house and a new car aren't really the things that will make us happy. Things never do. Things are very passive. It's the activities that we enjoy and that we should be considering. Do we enjoy performing perpetual maintenance on a house? If not, it might not be worth buying a larger house. We can enjoy the status we feel from a larger house, but are we going to walk around all day basking in our status? Probably not. If we are truly able to bask in our larger house and enjoy it intentionally every day, then maybe it's a good choice to pursue, but if in that pursuit we lose the time, energy, and frame of mind to enjoy it, then once again it is a poor tradeoff.

In the end, it is activity that has the opportunity to bring us joy—even if that activity is staring out a window at the trees while sipping coffee. Mindfulness is they key to actually experiencing the joys of our activities. However, we often fail to do this. If we're lost in thought wrestling with ideas or problems, whatever activity we are performing is lost to the void. We don't get the return on investment beyond what the activity itself produces. If the activity is sipping coffee, then we gained no joy and simply obtained a fuller bladder and more jitter. If we look at the coffee, feel the coffee, smell the coffee, smile at the birds, sit in wonder, breathe, and sigh intentionally, then the activity truly brought us joy and restoration. Mindfulness is key to actual enjoyment. Anything else is yet more drainage.

So what activities can we be mindful of that bring us joy? And how much money do we truly need to obtain those things? How much variation do we need? How often? If we truly start to optimize for these things, we may find that we don't need to strive any further. How amazing would it be to drop half our workload because we realize we don't actually need more money? Not only do we drop a loss of energy, we can utilize that for something that brings us energy—the return is twice as much as what we dropped.

There is yet another secret to using mindfulness for happiness: it can apply to any activity whatsoever. This takes skill, but one can be mindful of the wonders of the universe around them while picking up dog poop or filling in a spreadsheet at their desk. If we're just starting off, we may not be so great at finding those opportunities, but if we can manage to be mindful without focusing on negativity or fear, anything and everything can become a source of joy. 

In the end, there is only one thing that matters: being in a mental state which is agreeable to us. And this is so extremely dependent on ourselves and how we view the world and our activities, that it is hardly worth considering any external factors whatsoever. Apart from literal abuse of others, we hold the keys in our own hands and minds—we simply need to train our minds and focus on our actual objective to align our thoughts with what brings us joy.

For more, check out www.flow-restoration.com/Reflections.html

Paul Selig - The Shift 2026

 

Next week I intend to attend Paul Selig's The Shift retreat in Maui, Hawaii. I've been following my intuitions to see where they take me and I've been repeatedly intuiting something big to occur in April and perhaps even specifically on my 43rd birthday on the 21st. I took the week off on intuition having nothing planned to occur. 

I intuited that I should go on a retreat that spans the week, so I began searching. I found none that caught my fancy or even spanned the week. They all appeared to be weekend things as best I could find or were not over my specific week. So I booked nothing and continued to wait. I began to think a retreat was out of the question. 

I didn't know what kind of retreat I even wanted. Something to better connect with emotions? Healing? Psychedelics? Aliens? I was rather open. Yesterday, I began considering that I should get into Yoga. I have tried it in the past but became too self conscious as I focused more on my ability to perform the activities (and my subsequent failures) rather than on the act of mindfulness and steadiness through struggle which would now be my focus. The other people are irrelevant as is capability. It's about doing and being, and I simply need to set some time aside allow myself to feel again. 

I hadn't yet looked anything up for Yoga, but lo and behold, that same day, only 4 days prior to the beginning of the retreat, I finally see an ad for Paul Selig's The Shift which begins with Yoga classes. He promises to get us more in touch with our "guides" which is indeed a topic of interest for me. The fact that the retreat is called "The Shift" is also immensely personal to me as I began discussing a movement by that exact name previously with a friend of mine. I remember trying to make it an acronym. 

I was not familiar with Paul despite all my recent activities. I was more familiar with Darryl Anka with his Bashar, Lee Harris with his Zs, and Elizabeth April with her Galactic Federation. I hold them all with curiosity and possibility and a dose of skepticism. I don't disagree with any of the teachings and find them entirely aligned with my own--just with the added flair of channeling which may or may not be true. I began listening to Paul speak and reading his latest book--he seems right on par with what I'm looking for. And so, as per the intuition, I've determined that this is indeed the one I was "meant" to attend. We shall see where it leads.

As I prepare, I consider what I might ask Paul's "guides" as he calls them. If they are truly from another plane in the same way the other channelers speak (and my own induced message that I received), they should know everything about me. They should be able to answer any question I might pose. So what should I ask? As I began to consider what questions to ask, however, I find there is no question I don't already know the answer to. I don't necessarily care for any of the answers, unfortunately. Not because they're bad, but because they're not revealing. So I attempt to change and fenagle the questions to be more specific but I get caught in a loop as what I consider my own guides (still in question) provide the "answer" ahead of time. See below.

I could ask, "Do you know me?" Hoping for an in-depth response of everything I've ever wanted to know or hear. But it doesn't really ask that. He could easily respond, "No, I do not" or "Yes, we see all that you do and who you are." So where does that leave me? Unsatisfied. What am I really asking?

Why do I not receive the same experiences as others? Visitations, channeling, miracles?
It is not part of your life plan [yet].

Right, of course not. Why not?
It will be revealed when the time is right.

Of course it will. Hmm... I thought I'm supposed to get guidance? Why don't I get guidance?
But you are getting guidance. You're receiving it right now.

Okay, but I don't know the guidance is something other than myself.
It quite literally is yourself. All is one. Guidance is still guidance. Looking within is exactly the answer.

Right, but I mean, I want something profound and undeniable.
Why?

Because there are risks to believing things that are wrong.
Such as?

Well... I could think I could fly and jump off a cliff and die.
Is that something you have been led to believe?

Well, no, but it could be.
Could it?

Well... also no. Okay, so right now I'm being led to believe that I don't like my job, I shouldn't be here, I should be doing something else. This is all a game and I might as well play it the way I want.
Is that not true either way?

It is, but it could cause me to lose my source of income.
Is the income what makes you happy?

It's what keeps me alive...
Can you live on less?

Well, yeah... but then I won't have as much freedom.
How much freedom do you have now?

I can buy whatever I need whenever I need it. I have tools and toys to do projects I love.
Is that serving you? Are you happy?

Well, not really I suppose. I don't have the energy to use the things as much as I'd like.
So shouldn't you use your energy more wisely?

Okay, but what if there's nothing else out there? What am I supposed to do that's any better?
What do you want to do?

So many things!
So why aren't you doing those things?

I guess because they all require a restart of sorts.
Okay, then restart.

I can't do that, I'd waste all that I've built up!
Is it a waste if it's not serving you?

Well... no... I guess not... I just... it won't... hmm... The opportunities aren't really presenting themselves.
Are you looking for them? Are you waiting and hopeful for them? Or are you just sitting miserable in your current existence?

Okay, fine, I'll keep on the lookout. So... I could ask when will it occur?
You will know when it is time.

Not very useful... Umm... If any of this is real, I'd very much want to share it with the world. But that's dangerous if it's not real. So shouldn't I get proof it's real?
Isn't it proof enough that it's working for you?

Not really... I can't be guaranteed it scales.
Which part?

Umm... listening to voices?
Are you promoting any and all voices?

Well, no, just voices that lead to honest self-actualization in love.
And you're worried that will have a negative effect?

I... well... no, I guess not. But thinking these things is like a gateway to other strange beliefs where people ask to have their pictures read and think seeing 11:11 means something and so on.
Is that harmful?

Superstitious thinking is absolutely harmful. It leads people to do stupid things.
But if it's gated by self-actualization in love?

It might cause them to quit a job or something, but... I guess the signs are just ways for them to recognize what they already think and believe, eh?
Indeed.

Okay, but this all leads me to ignoring politics and world struggles. It makes me shrug in a way at the ailments of the world. Surely that can't be good if this is all make-believe--especially if I convince others the same.
Do you have power to do anything about those things?

Not directly, but I could join pickets and whatnot. And others might.
Will picketing help? And for those who do have power, their path might not have them ignore it like yours.

Sure, picketing probably will not help. Especially not with how it's all done via hate which propagates more hate and division. And I suppose "ignoring" it is unique to my path...
So it's not for you. That is all.

I can speak out about it.
Haven't you been? And how does that differ from simply teaching the message you're following?

It... doesn't differ I guess. But what if I'm just being naive? Sure, love is great, but would it ever work in practice? There is the real world to consider. People will take advantage and do awful things.
Does it matter?

Yes? Why wouldn't it matter?
Aren't they already doing that?

Yeah, but I don't want to let them do it all the more and take advantage of those who are loving and peaceful.
How would they take advantage?

They'd take and take and never give.
From... who?

From those who are uplifting love!
Does love give blindly to evil?

Well... I suppose not, but how do we know who to give to?
Give what?

I dunno, money, things, time, etc?
Give it to whomever your spirit leads.

And what if I get it wrong?
You tell me.

Well then I waste it.
Okay?

I don't want to waste money.
So it is not worth benefiting others at the risk of making a mistake?

There are too many asking for money.
Does your spirit lead you to give it to all of them?

Well, no, I guess not. But it has let me down multiple times. I gave away a car that got wrecked. I gave away thousands of dollars to Shelly who I thought was a friend and she scammed me. I gave money to the guy at the gas station--more than enough to "get home" as he stated he needed yet continued scamming others for money!
Have you given with net benefit? What was the total outcome of those mistakes and the non-mistakes?

Jeeze, that's a tough question. I have no idea. I mean, apart from my own hardships, how could I know?
Well, then how do you know it's not worth it? What hardships?

Well, I mean, when I was duped by Shelly I put it on my credit card. I had to pay it back when she was supposed to pay it right back in a week. I didn't have that money on hand. The rest I suppose didn't "hurt" per se, but I definitely could have used the money better.
You gave what you did not have. Good lesson. Don't do that. It still worked out, though. Even though you gave with no visible reward, a world of giving is certainly a better world to inhabit even with these small risks is it not?

I mean, theoretically but... 
But...?

Does it scale?
As you uplift loving kindness, and live loving kindness, and encourage others to be the same, you're worried it will all be for nothing because it won't scale?

Sort of? I mean, what's the point if it doesn't scale? Again, what if I'm just naive and this is all a pipe dream? Do I really expect the world to fall in line and start to love and develop a utopia on Earth? Look around. I can't even get my boss to realize that generating panic is no means toward productivity.
And so you prefer the alternative to not uplift love and perpetuate the system you hate?

I mean, it takes me out of the crosshairs.
But does it make you happy and fulfilled?

Not particularly...
So your options are to do what makes you happy and fulfilled and hope for the best rather than fighting the systems that keep you down or playing along with the systems as if they're fine, OR continue being miserable giving into the systems and acting like this is the way one should live life. That's what you're debating?

When you put it that way...
What way would you put it?

Okay, so scratch all that. Let's say I'm in. Might as well. What else do I have to lose? It's a chance for fulfillment versus perpetual misery as I deny myself what I'd really prefer to do. So what do I prefer to do? I think I'm torn between acting and teaching others how to love. But I seem to fail to teach. No one listens to me.
Why should people listen to someone who is not being authentic to himself and who is living in fear?

Well how am I supposed to know that I know anything worth teaching?
What are you debating the validity of?

The fundamental nature of reality? Can we truly bring about what we want through thoughts, manifestation, etc? Just our hopes? Channeling? Guides? Is any of this real?
You already know that to some extent you do manifest. Are you questioning the extent or just the mechanism? Are you questioning if people should reason within themselves for guidance?

I guess both extent and mechanism? And fair point about internal conversations...
Does extent and mechanism matter? Simply don't claim what you don't know.

But I want to know...?
Why?

Because it will help teach?
Will it though...?

If I can prove it, yeah.
Will you be able to prove it?

Well, no, but if I can do miraculous things, people will be drawn to believe.
You would certainly get a following, but followers of what? Miracles? Not of love? Is that what we want?

I suppose not. So how do I get more people to follow love?
By demonstrating it, believing it, trusting it, embodying it, radiating it, and sometimes teaching it.

So... work on myself.
Yes. Focus on your own walk in love, kindness, and self-compassion, trusting that all things will work for the best, being true to yourself, and even if things seem to fall apart, the only alternative was to walk in fear, anger, hate, and self-disguise. Is this really a choice?

Not for me I suppose. But it seems to be for others.
They will come around when they're ready--or they won't. It doesn't really change the direction for you.

So... what should I ask at the retreat then?
What more do you need to know?

Well, I continue to analyze if there is truly a path toward what I love without becoming (or remaining) untrue to who I am or retaining honesty in what I do or do not know. I see mediums, psychics, and channelers say things for certain that I could never say with certainty unless something truly took me over or proved itself deeper than what I experience today. But nothing ever does. So either these people are faking or the guides have not [yet] chosen me for the same path. If they are faking, I want no part of it. If I am not chosen for it, then I want no part of it. Two potentials that both keep me from it while I continue to feel entirely destined for it and awaiting my moment. This creates a chasm between who I am and who I get to be. I wait and I wait on a never-ending journey with no apparent destination. Will I ever truly arrive or will I wait forever? Or perhaps I am already doing what I ought to do and I should learn to be more satisfied with the career path I have taken. While these are my questions, I would like answer with undeniable evidence of fact for they can change which paths I take. Should I seek channeling? Should I seek acting? Should I seek coaching? Should I remain an engineer and work on my appreciation for it?

More succinctly, I want to know which life path to pursue. If healing, teaching, and channeling is truly an option for me while remaining entirely honest and true to myself, then I want this path more than any other. If that is not for me, then I would become an actor but at the presumed cost of my livelihood which impacts my wife and kids. And if, for my character and development, I am best served by becoming a better engineer, then I would do this as well, but I would want assurance that I am not neglecting my true nature and a greater calling. I can do whatever I put my mind to, but I cannot at this present time affix my mind to this task while persistently feeling there must be something more and I damn-well want to find it.

If there is something more and greater, then it would seem a waste for me to focus on being an engineer. If there is not something greater, then it would seem a waste to develop myself further through this career which I do not love when I have stronger passions. But if there is something greater and I can be convinced my path is here, I would remain. For now, I feel entirely out of place and I simply await whatever change will present itself to bring me into alignment with who I truly am.

So with your present knowledge and understanding, being true to yourself is knowing you're not where you want to be, seeking a path of healing, teaching, and channeling like you're doing, or if that fails, work toward acting. Until new information comes, it sounds like you're set.

So... I have no questions?
Sounds like none so much as can be asked and answered with words.

So why am I going then?
Following intuitions lead to the doors that provide the guidance you seek. Synchronicities don't happen sitting at home.

So I'm going with expectation of some synchronicity?
I wouldn't recommend expecting synchronicities, but getting out, following your intuitions, and following your interests and passions is what enables them to occur. You don't go for the synchronicity, you go for the interest in the event itself while being open to whatever might unfold. Go with expectations and you may be let down. Go to enjoy yourself while seeking your interests, and you will get out of it what you desire: rest, relaxation, personal growth, fun, excitement, etc. Even if no synchronicities occur, even if no booming voice from the sky reveals all, such lack is itself direction. If healing and teaching do not present themselves as options, do what does present itself instead so long as it aligns with who you are while guided by love and your personal passions.

It may well be then that I have no questions that can be externally validated for certainty, but if there is any truth to this particular individual's claimed abilities, I see no harm in asking a question that would reveal if he truly has a skill that exists or if he merely speaks his own internal monologue. Knowing would be intriguing for me on the level of trusting that such skills exist, but I should not take him to be authoritative even if the skill exists nor should I conclude much if his particular skill is shown lacking. I could only conclude it wasn't for me. What an annoying situation of unfalsifiability with only potential for singular personal validation. People say science doesn't prove this stuff, but by nature, it's not particularly provable in a way that would ever truly be satisfying.

So then, what could I ask that would reveal his knowledge? Most things could be doorways to allow him to prove he speaks with guides, but not a lot would guarantee it. I do have a secret phrase only spoken to the cosmos. If he speaks that to me, it would be immediately clear that I speak to them and they speak to him. That would be ideal, but it would be the choice of the cosmos to reveal. I could straight up ask and he could straight up decline.

"I believe my guides have led me here for something significant but I am unaware of what. Do your guides have any insight into what it is?"

"Do your guides have anything to say about my guides, my purpose, my skills, my understanding, or what I will or have achieved?"

Your Mind is Made of Voices

 

Your Mind is Made of Voices

Read here now! 

https://www.flow-restoration.com/reader.html

For thousands of years, humanity has described an invisible struggle within the self.

Psychologists speak of competing drives, beliefs, emotions, and internal parts. Philosophers debate reason and desire. Religions describe temptation, conscience, angels, demons, spirit, and sin. Mystics speak of guidance, intuition, and inspiration.

What if they are all pointing at the same thing?

Your Mind Is Made of Voices explores a unifying framework for understanding the human experience. By examining the common patterns that appear across psychology, philosophy, spirituality, and religion, Sean Lauren proposes that many of our thoughts, emotions, impulses, and inner conflicts can be understood as competing voices seeking our attention and allegiance.

Through this lens, familiar questions take on new meaning:

• Why do we act against our own interests?
• Why do we feel divided within ourselves?
• Why do some states of mind lead to peace while others lead to suffering?
• Why have cultures throughout history described guidance, inspiration, temptation, and inner conflict in remarkably similar ways?

Rather than asking readers to adopt a particular belief system, Your Mind Is Made of Voices invites them to investigate their own experience. The result is a model that bridges science and spirituality, skepticism and faith, psychology and metaphysics—offering a practical approach to understanding the forces that shape our lives.

Whether you view the voices as neurological processes, psychological parts, spiritual influences, archetypes, or something else entirely, the question remains the same:

Which voices are you listening to?

Chewing on Stan Taylor's Black Book of Power - The Chrysalis - Intro

If you're interested in this topic, but desire a cheaper, shorter, and/or science-based focus, try Your Mind is Made of Voices. It is forever free in digital format as it is my conviction that information which can improve our lives should be free. If you find it useful, you can buy a physical copy and/or consider a donation. Personal growth should not be paywalled to the benefit of all the world.

This begins Part II of The Black Book of Power entitled The Chrysalis. With Part I complete, I feel comfortable summarizing Part I - The Awakening as simply a mirror. The average reader interested in this form of content likely saw a lot of themselves within the pages. It appears to have been written in a way as to form self-disgust when looking at this mirror--the obvious objective being to invigorate a desire to change. Does that work psychologically? Perhaps. It does not work if I hold a similar mirror to my children. It does not work if I hold it to my employees. It does not work for my wife, my neighbors, or my friends. So who does it work for?

Let's start by separating two interpretations of "work." For the examples above, it would not "work" in that the subject would be immediately repelled by the mirror with severe indignation. In that regard, who isn't immediately repelled? Only those who already think about these things, already see them, and who aren't being told directly and personally by someone they know. So it "works" in that they won't run. But will it work in actually helping them? Psychologically speaking, not usually. Stan began his book explaining that his target audience is self-help junkies. In such a way, he adequately predicts that his book will fail for most of his readers. By stating it bluntly, he buys himself a little more time. But ultimately, the self-deprecating outlook and high from the ass-kicking pep talk will eventually wear off. It might work for a few, but it will invariably become one of the many books on the junkie's shelf. Shame rarely works for very long.

What does work, is something we don't want to hear: small and perpetual steps toward better mental models, exercising the skills patiently and consistently, and retaining hope in long term success over short term gains with enough perspective to overcome short-term regression. If anyone promises anything else, they're selling something. Stan hasn't explicitly stated he's going to do anything quick yet, but starting with shame means he's bought himself a short amount of time before the shock and awe wears off. Let's keep reading!

Rebecca

It is unclear if Rebecca is a true story or a fictional one, but I can easily assume many women can relate in some fashion to the described plight. Stan tells the story of a woman who was mentally abused by her husband for years and had finally had enough. When she finally broke away, she realized she didn't know who she was and had a meltdown of identity confusion. He labels the event as an example of identity diffusion following trauma bond severance. In a world where 20-40% of women experience physical violence from their partner let alone emotional trauma, I need to be very clear with my words. Yes, many women will relate strongly with examples of the Rebecca story. And yet, most will not relate specifically with utter breakdown of self identity as described. For sure, some will, but it is not the norm. And yet, Stan purports the following:

Identity reconstruction after narcissistic abuse always shows the same pattern:

• Week 1–2: Liberation euphoria. The parasite dies. Freedom feels possible.

• Week 3–4: Identity diffusion. Without the oppositional identity nothing feels solid.

• Week 5–6: The dissolution. Complete loss of self-coherence. Most quit here.

• Week 7+: Conscious reconstruction. Building new neural pathways through deliberate choice.

None of that is based on any studies or reports I could find. And in fact, it's just not true. Very few people ever undergo identity diffusion the way Rebecca is stated to have experienced. There is some truth in that people start out excited, they do find some confusion, and 60-75% will return at least once. They do not return due to identity dissolution but because of children, finances, fear, threats, and general feelings of isolation. But hey, we are getting a bit beside the point here since this is merely brought up as a metaphorical anecdote of sorts for what Stan promises to do to his readers.

At the end of this intro, Stan explains that his readers will undergo this process. The Chrysalis, so to say, is when we climb in our butterfly cocoons, melt into goo, and rebuilt ourselves into something beautiful. Interesting imagery, and I suppose we can take him at his word that this is his intent, but I retain significant concerns. This is simply not how growth typically occurs as stated above. This is the film equivalent of cutting to a montage where the main character puts in all this effort in the course of a week and suddenly becomes a champ. It's just not reality. Let's continue and hear him out though. Onward to Chapter 4.

If you're interested in this topic, but desire a cheaper, shorter, and/or science-based focus, try Your Mind is Made of Voices. It is forever free in digital format as it is my conviction that information which can improve our lives should be free. If you find it useful, you can buy a physical copy and/or consider a donation. Personal growth should not be paywalled to the benefit of all the world.

Chewing On Stan Taylor's Black Book of Power - The Contract

 

If you're interested in this topic, but desire a cheaper, shorter, and/or science-based focus, try Your Mind is Made of Voices. It is forever free in digital format as it is my conviction that information which can improve our lives should be free. If you find it useful, you can buy a physical copy and/or consider a donation. Personal growth should not be paywalled to the benefit of all the world.

This particular chapter is challenging to respond to as I find many layers worthy of discussion while much of it seems unrelated to what I believe is the main point. This presents a challenge in organizing my thoughts and when to make particular points and arguments. You will perhaps see what I mean as I dissect it further.

My best attempt at summarizing the intent of the chapter would be the following:

1. We are often submitting to a "contract" of behavioral choices--a facade--that is destroying our authenticity and wasting our lives.
2. We follow this contract out of fear and conditioning.
3. We don't have to obey this contract.

What this chapter is lacking:

1. A description of what all is being lumped into this contract metaphor.
2. What Stan expects us to do instead.
3. What Stan expects will happen beyond the obvious exile and suffering if we stop "obeying."

What Stan is doing behind the scenes:

1. Using a voice of authority to shame the reader into obeying his advice to stop being shamed into obeying authority.
2. Making sweeping generalizations.
3. Not filling the gap after telling us what not to do which could lead to repeat failure.
4. Making conclusions from non-sequitur arguments that aren't actually necessary to his point.

I believe the summary above is generally a good message. Many people (presumably the readers themselves) are probably stuck in this loop of obedience and fear. Just saying to stop is not enough and is actually dangerous without further instruction on what exactly should be stopped or what to do differently. He leaves the message far too vague and generalized to the point that a reader might come away believing they should tell their son his painting sucks in order to remain authentic and then smugly believe this somehow makes them a better person. I hope that's not the case, and I hope that wasn't his intent, but he unfortunately did not articulate it very clearly. And the more I "hope" regarding Stan's intent, the more I grow concerned.

What I hope Stan is trying to convey is that we all too often defer to authority and we should probably start focusing on how to trust ourselves more and to start emanating our own aura of authority. I can get behind that sentiment fully and hopefully the next chapter says how. This is also a topic near and dear to my own heart which I would have approached in a significantly different manner. To put it simply: how we view ourselves has a direct correlation to how we present ourselves which has a direct correlation to how others treat us. If we fear authority, we present as submissive and stay submissive. We create our reality based upon our self-image. If we believe in ourselves and present an aura of authority, people who are less sure of themselves will submit while we get promoted. 

This posture of authority is exactly what Stan is doing with this chapter and the book as a whole. Since his target audience is made of those tired of being weak and broken, it works like an absolute charm to take an authoritative role and belittle the readers into submission. But does it help the readers or just his pocketbook? Up to this point, I've been giving the benefit of the doubt, but this chapter pushes me slightly over. He is using a classic technique of identity degradation. If he lowers the reader's self concept with statements that sound plausible and relatable, the reader will more likely regard him as a leader worth following. It increasingly suggests he has an agenda bent more toward his own personal brand than his interest in helping people, but there is still the potential he believes this is necessary to get his points across. Maybe? But I'm running out of steam making excuses on his behalf. That said, I still think there might be some salvageable parts to his book if we get past the hypnotic elements.

Below, I will continue with responses to the various points made throughout the chapter and much of it will be irrelevant to the main point expressed above based upon what was present in the chapter.

Pain

Stan begins with a somewhat cryptic metaphor that we have a leash around our neck via a contract we devised of our own accord. He alludes that any action we take opposed to our authentic selves is evidence of this leash and that we willingly play along: laughing at unfunny jokes, not speaking up, nodding when disagreeing, etc. In a way, he is not wrong, but the implicit message is "do not be this way." I don't wish to be entirely dismissive of this perspective and I will allow him to flesh out his point more fully, but my initial reaction is hesitance. I don't immediately see a path to success when you make everyone around you uncomfortable in the guise of authenticity. It might work for monetary and external success by making others so uncomfortable that they treat you like authority yourself, but I do not personally put all my eggs in a monetary and physical success basket. That point aside, in general, I'm going to assume most people could stand to be more authentic in general and be more selective where they play along.

Social pain is similar to physical pain. This is true and studies have shown it as such. One can take pain killers to numb the pain of heartbreak as Stan similarly points out. He uses this point to illustrate why we began signing our contracts to begin with: to avoid feeling the pain of rejection. While this is partially true, this is only half of the story. Rejection can indeed hurt, but that is not the only reason to sign the contract, so to say. Stan acknowledges that those who stand their ground to their authentic selves have endured exile and even explains this as the reason for evolving actual pain around social rejection in the first place. But then he seems to forget that real repercussions exist and focuses on the mental aspect. He indicates there might be others around you that are secretly on your side, but there is no such guarantee. He appears to be making a sweeping generalization that you should always be true to yourself. That generally sounds good, and I won't outright disagree, but let's analyze what that truly looks like.

Sometimes authenticity is the difference between life and death. Consider living in Russia. In early 2022, protestors began holding up blank signs so as to say the unspoken without actually saying it. They were arrested even for that. Yes, there are silent supporters which the blank signs were hoping to rally, but arrest and even death is a significant threat. Is it worth speaking up more directly? Not too long ago in our own American past, many homosexual people would be murdered for being authentic. This is a philosophical discussion with many opinions and no solid answers. Is it better to live and die authentically or is there a level of mask worth tolerating for peace? Most of us aren't facing death, but we might face social exile or firing if we don't fit in enough. But what is enough? And what are the tradeoffs? And what are the outcomes? All of this is missing in this chapter. Stan simply says to stop being inauthentic while giving severe moralistic examples but using more general everyday verbiage.  In honor of his own advice, I'd like more explanation before simply obeying.

So yes, we do have a choice between wearing our masks to fit in or else to be ostracized, fired, hated, or even murdered. These are real world outcomes of choices that go against the flow and we generally see them as not being a real choice at all. This is what Stan is trying to remind us though: it is still a choice. Do not short circuit it. We can indeed choose exile for better or worse. We should actually analyze that cost. He does not make it appear particularly appealing, however, and his almost religious moralistic mindset of always being true to yourself might very well get you stoned by the local clergy if not simply alone in a corner without friends.

In most cases, the outcomes will not be catastrophic and perhaps that is more what Stan is speaking to. I tend to support this perspective as I have often chosen authenticity over fitting in, but it wasn't a mystical source of power as one might assume from the way he speaks of it. I received exactly as one might expect: I was ostracized and hated. And it did hurt. And I was alone. And I do keep making these decisions to my own suffering. What I get out of it is not power. It is not the praise and prestige of others as he alludes is possible. It has yet to be the hidden support of others. It is often not even the joy of being true to myself. It is far more subtle. I endure the pain and simply retain the knowledge that I will not be bought or tricked. I get a weak sense of self-assurance while often being concerned that I am being a damned fool. Is it worth the trade? It's hard to say as I don't know any other way. I do often look with envy on those who can blindly follow and belong, but I simply can't do it. And honestly, I am fairly well off. So maybe it's working and I'm simply not comprehending my disdain for authority as the cause.

All that said, I have learned to bite my tongue much more which Stan also seems to deride. Should I truly be a beacon of dissent in all things at all times? I really don't think so. I think that is the wrong lesson to take from this. The only steadfast rule I've come to follow is that there are no steadfast rules that have no exceptions. One must analyze the situation and a make a decision. I believe that is more what Stan was truly getting at, but it was almost a side note at the end of the chapter and is very easy to miss after assuming he's telling us to never back down throughout the rest of the chapter.

Reward

After reminding us that we can choose suffering and insinuating it's the right choice to remaining authentic, Stan moves on to indicate that we also seek our own pleasure when choosing our facade. When we receive praise for obedience or approval for fitting in, the dopamine hit brings us back for more. This certainly makes sense, but it doesn't resonate with me if it is in conjunction with a behavior I did not align with. The praise would be short circuited by the guilt. Perhaps not everyone is that way?

But for evidence, Stan brings up studies on intermittent reinforcement theory. The theory goes that if a reward is not consistent, it drives more addictive behavior. He cites the study of a rat and a lever. When the rat presses the lever, it gets food. The rat will do this only when hungry. Now when the lever only provides food every once in a while, the rat becomes obsessed with pressing the lever. Ergo: addicted. This has been shown for humans in similar studies and is referenced in regard to gambling (slot machine levers and money rewards), but the conclusions are weak. Gambling introduces another and stronger force: loss aversion. Stan talks about this later as well. 

Humans performing the lever experiment act similarly to the rat, but they could simply be trying to understand the rule set. Can they not blink? Is it tuned to pressure? Timing? Angle? Why does it sometimes work and not others? It's mystery solving--not necessarily dopamine addiction. Or maybe it's simple fear: if it's finicky now, will it stop working when I want food later? These studies also conclude that the subject will continually press the button or lever much longer after intermittent reinforcement than they will with consistent reinforcement once rewards are permanently disabled. This seems rather obvious and logical rather than attributing it to addiction. Loss of reward is far greater evidence of defect in a machine that is 100% consistent than it is for a machine where lack of reward is sometimes just the name of the game. Is it really broken or just a string of bad luck? 

When it comes to abusive relationships, which Stan also brought up, the unreliable praise of a partner doesn't have to be the addicting factor so much as the very livelihood of the individual enduring the treatment mingled with other social and psychological factors. Such studies are far from conclusive in this context, and, quite honestly, none of this adds a whole lot to this story. 

Authority

Stan continues his reward-based argument for obedience by bringing up the study where participants were instructed to shock a subject in another room for wrong answers to questions. Don't worry, it was only an actor they heard screaming. Since this is a fascinating study, I will provide more information here than was in the book. Participants were told to increment the shock level for every wrong answer the "subject" provided. The levels were labeled as follows:

15–60V: Slight Shock

75–120V: Moderate Shock

135–180V: Strong Shock

195–240V: Very Strong Shock

255–300V: Intense Shock

315–360V: Extreme Intensity Shock

375–420V: Danger: Severe Shock

450V: XXX

In this study, 65% of the participants went as far as 450V with the gentle prodding of the scientist: “The experiment requires that you continue.” This was only when the scientist was in the room, however. When over the phone, this number dropped to 25%. If another authority figure disagreed, 0% continued. Even if another peer disagreed, it still dropped to 10%. None of this screams, "I get a dopamine hit for obedience." What it says is simply that people are unsure of their own ability to reason and trust those who are paid to do just that. The scientist is saying to continue, so maybe the labels are just wrong. Maybe the device was repurposed and doesn't really mean that? Maybe the labels were conservative? Heck if I know, but the scientist says to continue. Surely he knows his test better than I do... 

The moment you take away the belief that the authority must know better than their own judgement, or even removing facing the authority directly, they stop performing the task and defer to their own. There is an additional detail which I will include for completeness, but I don't believe it changes much: at 300V, the actor pounds on the wall, removes consent for the test, and says he refuses to answer any more questions. From that point on, he provided no further answers and there was no sound of pain when shocked. The scientist instructed the participant to continue administering shocks and to take no answer as a wrong answer. 100% of people got to this point, but only the previous percentages above continued beyond it. 

Why doesn't this matter? Well, it does prove the point that most people will commit atrocities at the command of authority (when present), but this says absolutely nothing in regard to doing it for a dopamine hit nor fully explain why. The participants were visibly shaken and sweating as they continued against their better judgement and were quite likely still rationalizing that the authority knew best or simply feared to disagree. They couldn't see what was happening in the other room and they could have made any amount of wild rationalizations to assume they were missing something. They made no sound, so perhaps they took the machine off. It's still terrible in the end, but not a reward response to obedience. Far too many people simply put far too much faith and fear in authority, and I honestly believe that's the better takeaway. Authority is simply another human and you should indeed question when they go against your morals in your own understanding. So why didn't Stan make that argument instead?

Stan continues with many other stories of people obeying authority against laws within business, but none of them seem to fulfill the "Obedience as Opiate" heading. They're simply fearful of losing their jobs or other negative consequences. In the end, people don't trust themselves, and they fear authority and repercussions from them. The message still stands that we should recognize this about ourselves, not be driven by such fear, and to truly analyze and trust our analysis on how we should proceed even in the face of authority. In general, I think this is good for proving our own capability and strength to become the next authority ourselves, and it is further good for society even when not good personally. So I like the conclusion, just not the reasons and evidence used to support it.

Cognitive Dissonance

When a person holds two contradictory beliefs, they face what's called cognitive dissonance. This happens a lot with religion which causes some mental gymnastics to believe some rather interesting things. I'll leave that to your own imagination to avoid offending my readers (sorry, Stan!). In this case, Stan is referring to beliefs about one's own qualities and actions that betray such qualities. This causes a person to justify their bad behavior similar to the shocking study covered above. A person can go to 450V and believe they're still a good person by rationalizing away the conflicting evidence. He brings this up to essentially point out that we do in fact lie to ourselves.

In lying to ourselves, we often gloss over things that we should or should not be doing instead. This is well and fine, but Stan ties this into our being a pawn of society as if to reinforce that we shouldn't simply do what is socially acceptable. It is possible he's only referring to more significant betrayals such as laughing along with prejudice and cruelty, but he continues to throw generalities in the same pot which makes me assume he's being all encompassing. Don't tell your kid their drawing is good, don't smile when your coworker bores you, etc. One example he uses is a study where participants tell a lie for a dollar. It's not a significant reward to say it was worth the lie, so they instead lie to themselves and say it was a fun task to resolve the dissonance. 

If Stan is referring to more significant betrayals, then this chapter seems to assume this is far more common than I'd hope. Perhaps that's my own ignorance bubble, but I'm not generally facing these significant betrayals of integrity myself. The most common instance I face is in political foolishness of friends and family, but my own wisdom tells me there is nothing to be gained by arguing in most cases. I do not agree, but I do not disagree. Does that meet Stan's recommendation? It's hard to say because he never actually states it clearly. He is simply speaking in an authoritative tone and saying "bad" to those of us who identify with the behavior while providing no clear guidance or explanation for any alternatives. This behavior is exactly the behavior he believes his readers are prone to responding to. He says not to blindly obey authority while knowing his readers will do just that for himself. The kinds of people who are drawn to his book are the kinds of people who will fall for this.

Moral Licensing

Stan mentions that people will perform a kind moral licensing where they will do one good thing and use it to justify rejecting a moral choice later. This still has little to do with the main topic at hand beyond simply beating down the reader to realize just how miserable a person they really are. You're a worm. You suck. You should stop it. Now follow me.

At any rate, the moral licensing is an interesting concept. It is a real thing, though not exactly as described. And again, it's rather irrelevant to the main point. The concept should be paired with moral consistency as they are seemingly contradictory effects. The main difference is demonstration versus identity. If a person demonstrates their fairness, their anti-racism, or whatever good quality, they feel less inclined to prove it again. They can already point to an example, why make more? As for identity, however, if they have recently identified as a good person, not just demonstrated it, they'll be more likely to uphold that identity and continue to demonstrate it in order to remain internally consistent.

What's further interesting is that one study showing moral licensing seems to indicate it was all for show to begin with. Participants were asked to select between two candidates for a job. There was a white person and a black person. They intentionally made the black person ever so slightly less qualified. Participants would select the black person anyway. The most obvious reasons would be to prove they're not racist or to otherwise provide a form of affirmative action. Such candidates later, however, were more willing to rate candidates more harshly based solely on stereotypical traits of black people. It really should have been exactly the other way around or at least consistent.

As for moral consistency, however, studies would have people write a brief paragraph regarding some of their moral qualities (being kind, generous, helpful, etc) and then shortly thereafter were asked to donate their participation amount of $10 to charity. On average, those who wrote about their positive qualities gave more of their earnings to charity than did those in the control group who wrote about an unrelated topic.

Self-Handicapping

Create an obstacle for yourself so that when you fail, you can blame the obstacle rather than your own capability. This is a very real thing and a very common thing. Many people nowadays use medical diagnoses like ADHD, Depression, Bi-Polar, Autism, etc. It's not me that sucks, it's this impairment! Stan uses the example of not preparing for an interview or test so that the lack of prep could be blamed rather than one's actual attempt revealing them as a true failure. He kind of glosses over all this and adds it to the bucket of why the reader is a lowly worm. He relates this back to betraying one's own values which is perhaps what the chapter should have been about. Still, he more or less points out how we constantly do this and dresses it up as a call to face our betrayals of values. But that's all it really is: dress up. He's pointing out the reader's flaws (or humanity's for that matter) and saying "look how terrible you are, you need me to fix this for you and if you stop listening to me, that's a parasite holding you back and you're a failure." (pssst: that's cult leader behavior)

Stay Down

Short story: shocking dogs in cages will cause them to attempt escape. Finding no escape, they eventually lay down and endure the continued shocks without hope. Even when the cage is open and freedom is easy, they have learned defeat and stay down. In this study, we learn that people are cruel to dogs while also learning about learned helplessness. People are the same. Defeat after defeat, we learn to stop trying. We put the locus of control externally and assume we can't improve our situation. This is where our real loss of power comes from. And this is what needs far more attention. Unfortunately, this is glossed over quickly as just another reason to feel inferior and in need of a savior. Stan provides a fairly empty admonishment to recognize when we lie to ourselves that there is no point in trying, but it is empty fuel. The reader can burn it quickly while continuing to read but they have learned no skills as of yet to maintain a level of clarity to overcome it perpetually. The downward spiral of hopelessness is not resolved with a pep talk alone.

Masks of Belonging

That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks--metaphorically speaking... If you don't get the reference, go ask your mom. Anyway, masks truly are an every day occurrence. They are not self-sabotage, they are self-preservation. Do they betray us? Well, this goes back to the age-old debate of risk and reward for authenticity. We've jumped back to that topic. Here, however, Stan mentions an interesting phenomenon from a particularly famous experiment by Solomon Asch. So let's talk about that.

A subject was placed in a room with 7 to 9 other presumed participants who were in fact actors. A simple question was presented: which line out of A, B, or C matched the presented target line. It was obvious, but the actors were told to agree on a wrong answer. A whopping 75% of subjects would follow suit (at least once) and provide the obvious wrong answer rather than sticking to what they knew to be true.

In interviews afterward, the subject explains that they were confused. They didn't want to look stupid and assumed they must be misunderstanding something. They didn't agree, they didn't think the group was right, but they just could say what they believed because they couldn't grapple with the belief that they could be the only one in the group who truly knows what's up. Honestly, I think the reasoning is very honest. If everyone is saying something, it's far more likely that you're the one who is off. However, this is not always the case, and 75% of people will gladly pretend rather than speak up and show their confusion. This is self-preservation at its best. It's also why it's so hard to get anything fixed around here.

The experiment reveals a common aspect of humanity. I wouldn't put too much moral weight on it, but I would encourage people to rise above it. It takes courage, but the risks are often low in such scenarios. Take the low risks to start with and build some confidence or at least some clarity. This is a skill, not a self-betrayal. The rest at this point rehashes points I've already touched on.

The Price of Dissent

Stan begins to to discuss the tradeoff of not wearing a mask. It can have consequences. He accurately mentions that humans typically have what's called loss aversion where we find loss to be over twice as painful as an equivalent gain feels good. To over-simplify, if you gain $200 then lose $100, you feel like you broke even. We hate losing things. And so, we fear all the more the losses of removing our masks. This effect is also why fear messaging outperforms hope messaging in political campaigns. We're far more moved to action to avoid a loss than we are to reach for a gain.

Stan mentions that we're only looking at the loss for removing the mask and we're not looking at what we'd gain by removing it. Humorously (or perhaps intentionally appealing to loss aversion), instead of telling us what we could gain by removing our mask, he tells us what we have lost by not removing it. Unfortunately, that loss is hidden behind our own imaginations. What could have been if I went to be an actor instead of going to school for engineering? I have lost my opportunity to be friends with Jim Carrey and Steve Carrell right now! I could have been boating in a Yacht signing autographs! Sure... but I could also have become a beach bum in Hollywood waiting for my big break. The fact is, there's no guarantee that another path would have been any better. We could spend all day on the day-dreamy what ifs, but none of this is solid evidence for anything.

Whistleblowers often suffer major consequences but then report long-term satisfaction that they did the right thing. Well, of course they do. We're great at justification and what good is it to berate ourselves for a good action on top of the loss? It's essentially reverse sour grapes (That's an Aesop fable where a fox couldn't reach the grapes and decided they were probably sour in order to console himself).

Despite all this, the point is still fairly valid. We are indeed loss averse and we as humans typically suck at weighing true risks. The answer is then to work on those skills, not to screw it all, rip off the masks, and hope for the best.

Death Beds

People often regret what they didn't do while lying on their death beds. Yes. Part of this is due to many coming to grips with the ultimate meaningless of it all. All the things we thought were important suddenly are not. Money, fame, fortune, all meaningless. The lesson of what truly was meaningful is often too challenging for a younger person to even grasp. And in some ways, it's perhaps not worth grasping early on. Younger people need to focus on sustainability of life. But as we get older, we start to realize that relationships are what matter most to us. Memories. How we made others feel about us. Some never learn. And some realize it too late on their death beds. This is something to be aware of, to be analyzing, and to consider as we age. It is not a call to simply do all the things we feel like doing without abandon.

Save Yourself

Stan almost redeems himself in this final bit of the chapter. He warns that after reading all of this, you may hear one of two voices. The first says it's too much and to go to sleep while the other says to go and do something dramatic. He warns these are both traps. So finally, he's providing the first warning to his "screw the masks" messaging. He then says to face the contract without flinching. This is also good. Recognize all these things about the nature of life without actually making any emotional reactions to it. Understand it. Stop thinking you have no control and recognize that it's all just decisions with pros and cons to be weighed.

Unfortunately, this part is so short in comparison, that it doesn't outweigh the rest of the chapter in my opinion. Over the course of an hour and a half (per the audiobook), Stan has told his readers just how much they betray themselves, he reinforced their low station, provided no guidance to do anything beyond "stop it," and then says to sit quietly with it for 20 seconds.

Final Thoughts

As much as I disliked this particular chapter, if I am to continue assuming a good intent on behalf of Stan, it would be that he intended to provide the message I summarized at the beginning. That intent is still good, but quite poorly executed. I like to think in probabilities and this chapter is pushing my threshold of probability that Stan is intentionally building a name for himself. I give it about a 60% likelihood at this point with a 40% benefit of the doubt that he may still mean well despite the well-executed psychological games. Will the ends justify the means....?

If you're interested in this topic, but desire a cheaper, shorter, and/or science-based focus, try Your Mind is Made of Voices. It is forever free in digital format as it is my conviction that information which can improve our lives should be free. If you find it useful, you can buy a physical copy and/or consider a donation. Personal growth should not be paywalled to the benefit of all the world.