Enjoyment Complex

I seem to struggle deeply with enjoying things. I don't mean from a depression standpoint although that has been an issue as well. What I mean, is that I do things more for the purpose of completion than I do for the actual act of experience. I will play a video game and treat it much like a chore. I need to complete it. Food is something to be finished rather than enjoyed. I will take huge bites and suck down whatever I'm eating as if that itself is the goal. Get it done. Task complete.

Recognizing that I forget so much about a TV show or video game makes me conclude that I should not have even done it in the first place since the achievement was clearly meaningless. That is, of course, because I only care about the achievement and not the experience. I am far too focused on the future that I can't simply enjoy the present for enjoyment's sake. It is a foreign concept to me altogether. The very thought of doing something right now for pleasure without a lasting impact is so crazy to me. What, then, is the point? If the benefit lasts a whopping five minutes and disappears, why spend that five minutes?

Most people do not have this problem, and such people can be extremely confused by this mentality. I, too, find it confusing as I am battling two frames of mind. The one logically analyzes that it is worthless if it does not somehow bring about anything lasting. Of course, I can similarly conclude via logic that everything, in the end, is worthless. And so, the only thing worth anything is the enjoyment here and now. Unfortunately, that conclusion does not suddenly make it easy to implement. If there is no point, what is the point? Every one else on the planet has no such burden of requiring a purpose to simply enjoy things. Such a crazy thought!

Given this revelation, I have been trying harder to simply enjoy things. I recognized that there are still some things I enjoy, but I only seem to allow the briefest of satisfactions. Focusing more highly on these smaller things, however, is helping me be more open to greater enjoyment. Instead of just a quick, "Ah, nice warm shower," I will try to actually meditate on how amazing it feels. Every drop of water, the contrast of warmth with surrounding coolness, the smells of the soap, and so on. All these things are just for me and have no purpose outside making me happier via reflection. Being okay with that helps me slowly translate my thoughts to perceive the rest of the world along those lines.

It truly is okay to enjoy what I am eating, to relax in the sun, to play a game because it's fun to play, or write a blog just to write it down without thought for others. I am slowly starting to realize that it doesn't really matter if everything I do is for the benefit of some greater cosmic purpose. I can see a Facebook post and not feel like I have to respond to it as a duty to them or the world. Still, it seems a bit selfish in the end given that so many people in the world are suffering while I suck down a margarita, rock in a hammock in my lush back yard, watch the trees blow and listen to birds singing. Yet at the same time, I clearly cannot be responsible for the world and all the suffering therein. To me, that just begs the question: How much caring is enough?

To ignore the plights of others entirely seems dreadfully evil, but to give up on life for the sake of an impossible task seems just as terrible. How does one come up with a middle ground for this? I dare say most people are fine with simply living for themselves without concern for the plights of others. Is that all we should expect and require out of people so long as they're not personally hurting others in the process? Or should there be some expectation of some amount that we proactively help rather than simply ensuring we are not part of the cause? And what of this "should" anyway? Who is determining what we "should" do? Society? An unknown deity? Simulation watchers? Me? 

I guess I still have a lingering concern that I might be judged by someone or something once my life is said and done. I have no concern that I might be eternally tormented since I can't fathom any creature (besides a human) assuming that eternal pain is a just response to finite sins which, themselves, being due entirely to our DNA and upbringing. Still, maybe there is a chance for something greater? A heaven of sorts? A better simulation? Android bodies and eternal life in the "real" world? Who knows. And if there is, by what means would we be judged? Would our enjoyment of life be a factor as much as the amount of good we put into the world? Maybe we would be judged by our work ethic, ingenuity, or our blind following of authority?

Without knowing how we would be judged, it seems that we should simply be our best selves whatever that turns out to be. We shouldn't concern ourselves with the judgement. Either our genetic and experiential makeup is good, or it is not. We can't fake ourselves into heaven by following the letter of a law. That's been proven time and again. So really, I just need to figure out who I am and let them decide if that's good or bad if such a "them" exists. Surely they don't want someone who is psychotically trying to appease unknown entities and can't manage to enjoy his life. I should find my own balance and decide for myself what I think is enough. Of course, I'm probably the worst judge of all when looking at my own life. I somehow need to change my criteria. And first on the list, is that a "good" person knows how to enjoy life as they live it. I really need to learn that skill!