The Fountain of Youth 2025-07-18

 

We are all but sparks of consciousness floating around infinite nothingness. Forget what we call reality for now and imagine the void instead. Nothing exists yet. Now, as a detached consciousness, we need a train of thought. A reality. Something to ground us, so to say. Otherwise, we essentially go mad. What do we think about? Anything! So then what? Why? There's no purpose to any particular train of thought. We just... are... And we exist in this void... and we will exist... and we have existed... and we continue to exist... For no reason other than that we do. No purpose. How terrifying in a way. Without purpose, there's no reason to pick any one train of thought.

As consciousnesses, what we experience is whatever we imagine we experience. So if we go mad, we experience madness. If we stay calm, we experience serenity. As a consciousness, we cannot stop thinking. It continues forever. So we either pick a reality to attach to or essentially succumb to madness. And so we pick. We attach ourselves so heavily that all inputs of our consciousness make it feel like reality rather than made up images of our own making. And collectively with other consciousnesses we devise a reality to call home. A reality to believe in. A reality to feel like purpose when purpose doesn't exist.

And when we die...? We simply detach from the physical feelings of the reality of this world. We float freely again. Purposeless. Alone. Until we pick a reality. And so, the only thing that ultimately matters is whether or not we make our reality bearable. And forgetting the infinite nature of it is part of it. Knowing it for certain is maddening. It's an endless loop of meaninglessness and who knows what reality we might have to live through in the future. And so, we focus on the reality of now. What good is fearing what reality might come? What good is fearing what this reality might bring more so than what currently exists? Only now matters in as much as we don't cause our now to create chain reactions that ruin our later.

And that's now the crux of this whole mess. It all being "in our head" means clarity of mind, confidence, lack of fear, are paramount to a world of peace. Not just our own, but that of everyone. We are a collective reality. If those around us are terrified, our next existence is far more likely to become a hell. Only with the collaboration of others to make our ride enjoyable can we continue to have an enjoyable ride. 

The astute observer of the self will recognize that we, individually, are made up of consciousness. How many and what their existence is like is really only felt through emotion for the most part, but if we listen quietly we can hear their impressions. Their concerns, their wisdom, their joys. They are to us what we are to a consciousness of which we comprise. The universe is consciousness and we are its inputs in the same way that we have consciousnesses making up our inputs. We must make the journey enjoyable for those of whom we've essentially been entrusted which will also benefit us to then help those around us keep our own existence enjoyable which will also in turn help us keep our higher consciousness's existence enjoyable.

If we have inner turmoil, it is our consciousnesses warring. In some manner we have influence to that. I do not yet get the mechanism except in that it relies entirely on emotions and how we handle them. This seems to be true inward just as much as outward. The why still eludes me but it's perhaps unimportant. What is important is whether or not we are going to rise to create a stable existence for those within us, for those around us, and for that which is above us. The stability of all three is all entirely pertinent for our own eternal existence. And to be honest, that is terrifying. 

As I consider this, it concerns me how incapable I am of directing the traffic of this world. If I can't direct it, I'm at its mercy. And this world is not merciful. And being at its mercy, it has the option of wrecking the world within me and the world outside us. So when I die and my consciousness is trying to find a new reality of which to cling to and all that exists is pain and suffering for eternity... what a terrible realization. It is extraordinarily important for the world to stop the nonsense and make our own perpetual loop of existence more enjoyable. This life is one part of it and if we screw it up for others, we screw it up for our future selves.

That terror mustn't be realized though for it will bring about that which we're fearing. We must remain fearless and steadfast knowing that by doing so and helping others, we can spread the better existence for all to come and our shared manifestation of reality can improve or even eventually become a form of paradise. It is paramount, therefore, to ride the good streams of emotion which benefits us, our inward world, and provides one of billions of input voices to our universe's consciousness. For we are but an emergent property of our own many voices as our universal consciousness is an emergent property of our own inputs.

In short, we are already in eternity with no purpose other than to make the eternal ride bearable for all.

The Fountain of Youth 2025-07-11

Today's lesson was all about maturity. We as a species have failed to continue maturing. A few people here and there may have figured it out and it seems we've received ancient wisdom to guide us toward it, but we've come to neglect or forget what maturity is, what it means, and why we should do it.

Inside our minds is like Lord of the Flies on a ship. No one's at the helm for none of the kids know where to go. They jump around the ship fighting each other and making noise. They take turns jumping on the wheel only to be thrown off by another kid shortly thereafter. The wise kids don't bother even taking the helm cuz they don't know where they're going either and it makes no sense to try to steer a ship when others will fight you for the privilege.

Maturity has so many aspects and it seems so hard without clear directives and clear understandings as to how it benefits us. We have to tell our children that we don't hit each other, we don't call names, we try to work in harmony as a family. Then once we're an adult, most of us stop hitting but forget the rest. Why try to work in harmony when no one else is? They started it. They're they bad guy. Such children... We scream, we fight, we war. We don't know how to behave. And anyone shouting out that we ought to behave is generally killed. It's a rough world.

Still, perhaps we've been learning it fairly slowly as a species. I'm can't say we're regressing while the whole world continues to improve, but we're definitely always on the edge teetering toward destruction over growth with each new development and advancement giving us reason to take our eyes off the prize of maturity. 

To the immature, maturity looks weak. It looks passive. It looks like permission for monsters to run amok. And so, we trade in maturity for loud voices and warriors. People who will get things done and not just sit around singing kumbaya while the world burns. Unfortunately, this is just so short-sighted. The real power comes with the maturity. The maturity is alignment with the River. And alignment with the River is the path that heals the world either through scientific principals or even via stream magic. But we'll never know if we don't work toward it--something few people care to do.

I found myself wanting to steer the ship. I want to be strong enough to fend the fools off the help and to keep it steering in the right direction. But it takes knowledge, discipline, strength, and purpose. And who is going to teach me all those things? Feeling compassion for this would-be captain, I raised my hand to say, "I will. I will train him" while forgetting the him was me. And that's just it, we must take ownership of our own maturing. No one else is going to do it. Just us. And we will do so by following the voice of the River.

I was presented with a choice of maturity. I was put in charge of my own timeline. When do I think I should mature? When am I ready for it? I am still much like a child, so I want to make the childish decision. But that's the decision that keeps me the child. Am I not strong enough to mature? Am I going to admit I am beneath it? To admit I am incapable, or never going to be ready is to say I never want the greater things that maturity brings. I don't want greater knowledge and power. I don't want a life of greater peace and satisfaction. But don't I? And is it really out of my reach? So when do I want to grow? When will I be ready? When will I say this is the time, I am ready to grow? When indeed...

Aided meditation is for the babies. The mature reach the River and hear it of their own accord. The wise learn to breathe in the material world slowly and exhale emotions of virtue into the world around them. And in so practicing and meditating, they learn to hear, learn to see, and learn to guide the River in and around their presence with full faculty of mind.

The Fountain of Youth 2025-06-28

I started a little concerned as most travels are concerning when you're not aware of the destination. But you don't just "arrive" at your destination. So it's not scary. You move toward it. You see it coming and to some degree you can turn around, but it's really best not to fight the current, honestly. But I could cater which current I was on, of course, using Enya. I didn't realize she had so many foreboding songs but each one seemed perfectly fit for my travels. I faced scenarios in my mind of a sort that kind of made me know things about me that I "knew" but never really put to words or believed. Like, I didn't know so strongly before now that I am not content with being content when there are other people suffering. Like, I "knew" this, but that is literally just a PART of who I am. That's kind of inspiring actually. I like that about me. And further, I'm not fine with just a lack of suffering for all of life. Like, how boring. I value creativity so much. All kinds. That is so ME. And I will never ever ever just pick a little hut of beliefs to avoid the rabble on the streets. Never. Can't do it. I will fight the rabble and die trying. No huts for me. That's admirable at least in my own eyes. I love that about me. All these things about me that I like so much. All the while I'm learning this, when I finally laid down to take the travels in, I felt like an arrow of love had pierced my heart. Not just metaphorically, but like, I literally felt my chest just pouring out and overflowing with love mostly because I didn't even know what to do with it. I had never tasted it. My body was so overwhelmed I just kept laughing in confusion. What is this feeling?? I reveled in it, I reveled in the revelations of what I love about myself, and one of those things that I love forced me to get up and think about all this and write it all down in the hopes it can help other people and not just enjoy it for myself and forget it.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot the annoying revelation about me. I find it nearly impossible to just enjoy something. I have to know more. I have to analyze. I have to ponder the cosmic significance however remote the chance. 

The Left Created and Voted for King Trump

To level set, the left has made significant leaps and bounds in the normalization of non-heterosexuality, bringing women into the spotlight where they were diminished, and raising awareness to the rampant struggles that have befallen (or always existed for) minority peoples within our country. These are all amazing things and I do not hope to diminish them in the slightest. But a question must be asked: At what cost? And that answer? The cost was Trump himself. They created him and "voted" for him with their unwavering actions despite the warnings. Allow me to explain.

The rise of Trump must be understood by acknowledging the role progressive ideology played in shaping the culture which ultimately led to him. While the left claims to champion inclusion and compassion, it generally does so at the perilous cost of excluding and vilifying another group in particular: straight white men—especially those who don’t fully align with progressive orthodoxy.

Now, some will immediately bristle at the notion: “No one’s vilifying white men! That’s a stupid right-wing talking point!” But that response misses and yet proves the point entirely. It’s not explicitly stated that white man is the villain (not most of the time, anyway), but just like the struggles of minorities, it’s in the cultural tone: the asymmetry of empathy and compassion, the way white men are allowed only to listen, nod, and apologize but never to speak with nuance or heaven forbid disagreement. It’s in the way any pushback, however respectful, is read and decried as fragility or bigotry.

This doesn’t happen to just bigots or trolls. It happens to those of us in the middle—open to dialogue, willing to question ourselves, but not willing to blindly conform. We asked honest questions, voiced discomfort with double standards, shared our own pain and struggles. And yet, we were not met with discussion, but contempt. Not empathy, but hatred. We weren’t debated—we were labeled. Canceled. Mocked.

Is anyone really surprised that this ideological rigidity didn’t foster unity? It pushed people away. It silenced them. And you can say it's worth it all you want, but when people feel silenced, they don’t look for leaders who will bridge the gap, and they certainly don't look inward—they look for someone who will bulldoze the gap and give them a voice. Trump didn’t appeal because of his policy ideas; he appealed because he stood in defiance of a culture that shut people out for failing to toe the line. He became the megaphone for the unheard. And every time you tried to silence him and claim all his followers were racist bigots? It just made them all the more angry and loud. Since when did name-calling make anyone see your point of view? Of course, those of us pointing this out then got labeled with the masses and were accused of tone policing. But there's a legitimate logic here and now you can see the repercussions.

Any pushback at the left wing agenda was met with insult and accusation (typically toward straight white men) while simultaneously proclaiming that they aren't being vilified or left out because "all lives" was "obvious." Some of the accusations were certainly true--some white men absolutely reacted poorly or out of racism or bigotry. But why? That question almost never gets asked in good faith. We act as if bigotry emerges in a vacuum. Well it doesn’t. It festers in neglect, resentment, humiliation, and trauma—just like any other wounded group.

If you ignore that, if you mock or silence it, if you deny people’s right to process their pain just because they happen to be born into a group with perceived privilege or the least amount of trauma from dividing lines that never should have been lines in the first place, then you are fueling radicalization. You are manufacturing Trump. And that is exactly what happened.

The left created Trump by refusing to listen to the pain of those who didn’t fit their victim narrative. They wrote off everyone who wasn't nodding along as fragile, complicit, or regressive. And people who felt unseen didn’t just disappear—they got more wounded and much much louder.

The alternative isn't to excuse hate--absolutely not--but to understand the root of it psychologically. It's trauma all around. Not big-T Trauma, but little-t trauma. Microaggressions, culture, expectations, parents, health, schools, bullies, etc. And trauma demands empathy to be healed both internally and externally. Without that, every maladjusted person becomes an infected wound that spreads through society like a plague. They must be healed, not infected. Even the white man suffers.

And it should never be about who suffers more. We don't need a pain measuring stick to see who deserves some compassion or empathy. There's enough pain in the world to go around and everyone needs it. The worst offenders are often the ones who need it the most. If we only extend empathy to the groups we deem oppressed "enough," we’re no longer practicing compassion—we’re practicing exclusion and segregation--the very things the left claims to despise. They can think it doesn't matter if they segregate the majority--the oppressors--but they are wrong. And they are then lying that they are not excluding or vilifying those from whom they are clearly withholding compassion, empathy, and understanding. You can't withhold these things while claiming you're not vilifying. And the cost of this exclusion and vilification is a continued and escalated culture war.

So if you want to stop creating demagogues, then stop creating desperate people who feel they have no voice. Because people who feel that way will always find one. And if the only voice that will speak for them is a monster bent on the destruction of our country, they will absolutely vote for that monster—just to feel heard.

The Fountain of Youth 2025-06-16

 

Today I considered that I not only need to work through trauma that occurred to me, but also whatever shitty things I actually have done. That one is possibly harder to work through. It's one thing to say it wasn't my fault as a kid, quite another when it literally was my fault. I mean, I can chock such things up to all manner of upbringing and trauma that caused it of me, but it doesn't change the fact that indeed I caused pain and suffering. 

I was listening to more of The Myth of Normal and it started going into how all these cultural things like racism and poverty and whatnot cause all kinds of issues and while I completely agree, I'm internally still just so torn up about how every other person on the planet seems to get special attention to their needs while I waste away. Brings me back to the whole "All Lives Matter" thing because they always seem to leave me out. Doesn't my life matter? And they say yes, of course, but my life isn't the one being beaten by the system and what have you. Yes it is. It is. We're all being beaten down by the system. And I'm so sick of being minimized in that way. Just because some people have it worse doesn't negate that I also have things that messed with me. When do I get love and empathy? Never it seems.

Bringing all this up reminds me of "white fragility." I'm not fragile because I'm white, I'm fragile because I had a shitty childhood. And mocking me certainly doesn't help. But, again, the society doesn't care. And this really does bother me. I've spent my whole life being misunderstood and scorned for who I am yet none of that empathy ever comes my way. The world still hates me because they lump me into a category with bigots and racists because of my race, gender, and sexual orientation. How freaking messed up is that?

Anyway, the world won't change around me so I guess it's stuff I have to work through myself. Like always. Working through it alone... I think listening to all that might have put me on edge. When it came to get my car rental and the app wouldn't work to let me check out, it really got to me. I didn't get in line because it would be faster to use the app but instead it made me take twice as long because some bone-headed programmers couldn't figure out how to make their shit right. But why does that upset me so much? I managed to calm down before getting to the counter, but I wonder if there's something deeper there or if I just got into a bad frame of mind. 

Anyway, the book really just made me think this is mostly garbage talking about streams and whatnot. With me trying, and having gotten sick, and with as easy as it is to fall victim to our surroundings and culture around us, it just doesn't make sense. No one can ever achieve it. We'd have to immerse ourselves in a culture of people all seeking the same thing. And where the heck am I going to find people like that? And then as a culture of people all trying to do this, you'd inevitably start judging other people. Like, hey, I'm trying to get in the virtue zone and you're over there playing heavy metal. That can't be helping. Let me help you get the speck out of your eye and all that. It just seems daunting and impossible for something I have absolutely no reason to believe exists. It's just a bunch of myths crammed together.

So anyway, I dunno, might be my last post on this idea for a while until something deep hits me again. 

The Fountain of Youth 2025-06-15

 

I woke up this morning feeling much better. A little gurgly in the stomach but otherwise my psyche has fully returned. I feel alive. Ready to take on the world. Oddly, more so than prior to being sick. It provided a keen insight that I failed to realize and that is oddly lacking in most advice: if you can't feel the joy, deprive yourself of those things which you should be joyful of and you will find yourself enjoying them once again when returned. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Fasting makes food all that much better. And being cooped up sick in a room all day with every muscle and joint aching and a brain full of fog makes you enjoy the clarity, mobility, and freedom to roam the next day. Go figure. 

The only remaining question then, is what to deprive, when, for how long, etc. Okay, that's multiple questions. Maybe it can be regular like fasting on Saturdays or maybe it can be skipping all meals but lunch. Maybe it's getting away to an isolated cottage in the woods for a week once a quarter. And, of course, maybe it's entirely unique per person. I will need to be attuned to what I am essentially taking for granted and no longer feeling the joy and take that as a sign to deprive. And I'll have to play around with lengths of time to determine what truly works. This is quite the homework and entirely anecdotal, but I suppose anecdotes are fine when it's personal. And even a placebo effect is still an effect--especially with the theory of creating our own realities.

My stomach still wasn't quite with it so I ended up sleeping a lot still. I kept having weird sinking feelings while I slept. I tried to give in to them after a while to see if I could go "deeper" and it felt like I could to some degree but it never led anywhere in particular. I noticed that the sinking feeling aligned with how it would feel if I were laying on the ceiling. Weird, I know. Haha. 

As I lay in bed though, my mind often ruminated on what it has consumed the most of recently: the show Extraordinary. And while I haven' discounted it as "bad" per se, I feel like there are better things for my mind to be ruminating if I want to be in the virtuous current. But what is that? What does one think about while riding the currents of virtue? I use ChatGPT a lot to come up with ideas and it essentially recommended mindfulness as a practice as we go through life and that made a lot of sense. Mindfulness, of course, being the practice of being acutely aware of everything: the breeze, the flavor of food, the sun, the smells, etc. I'm not sure what that makes my brain ponder while I'm lying sick in bed, but mindfulness does make sense as a means of taking joy in the small things.

So I finally got up to get some food and as I got in the car, my phone automatically continued Spotify which was last playing some weird playlist of... I dunno... music you'd hear at Panera? I let it continue and it was, of course, relaxing and probably closer to joy as a feeling than the heavy metal I typically listen to. When I sat down to eat, the music ruminated in my mind even though I wasn't familiar with it. I continued with a feeling of peace and tranquility. I tried being mindful of every bite of food I ate while listening to the soundtrack in my mind. 

Now, normally, I eat quickly as a task. It's something to complete and if it was good tasting that's a bonus. I considered for a moment that I'm being mindful and eating for the experience, not the task. It's not like it's hard to get food, so if it's a task, eat something quick and bland, but if it's an experience, then I should actually experience it. I ate half of it before my experience told me it was enough. I'm not generally a quitter, but I couldn't experience more joy out of it while being mindful. I was acutely aware of my body saying it was done. But... I'm not a quitter! And... I don't have anything to take it back with me! I wrestled with asking for a box or finishing what I started and ultimately did the right thing and got the box. Mindfulness helped me be aware of what I was doing and why. I can't say I fully comprehend why I'm so stuck on cleaning my plate ::glares at my mother in my head:: but it's not an ideal goal over my health.

If the theory of streams and currents of reality are true, I wonder if we can imprint thoughts upon those streams and anyone else tightly locked into that stream and sensitive enough to it, we could communicate telepathically. It's probably just as out of reach a theory as the number of licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop though... 

I finished watching Extraordinary. Spoiler alert. The last episode of season two has Jen saying goodbye to her dead dad forever (who was being channeled via Carry's power). This oddly hit me deeply. I guess because I never had a bond like that with either of my two dads. Like seriously, I get two fathers and neither of them created a strong bond? What bullshit. And I carry that with me apparently. I have no loss to lament--only something I should have had but never did. My biological father has already passed away due to cancer. We talked maybe 4 times and 2 of which were only digitally. My other father still lives and we had a great chat today--father's day--but we rarely ever talk. We're on such different wavelengths. We have some things in common and I try to share those things--like having a tractor, acres of property, and... I dunno, that's about it. We were always pretty different. I like to pet animals and he likes to hunt them. That pretty much sums up the difference. To each their own in this screwed up world, but it does suck to have no bonds with family. 

Working through this little-t trauma seems important for riding the waves of the virtuous current. I hold no ill-will, just a deep and hidden sadness. And one that probably leaves scars of self-deprecation to overcome. English is so dumb. It's an e for deprecation but an i for deprivation? Anyway, it's weird that it took the motivation of a made-up theory of currents and streams to lead me toward healing. Whatever floats my boat I guess...?

The Fountain of Youth 2025-06-14

Feeling quite sick today. Could be too much VR TV, the stress of travel, or perhaps something in line with my seeking of the Fountain. Could it be a purge? Could it be retribution from the not-so-virtuous streams not wanting me to discover the secrets? Or maybe I'm getting too deep in the virtuous stream without enough virtuous character and it makes me sick? Who knows, but worth noting. If and when I take other people through the process, we'll see if sickness is common. 

I think there's a link between the streams and music or vibrations. Enya seems to hold a connection in some way so I tried listening to her while I took a nap. I'm not sure I felt anything in particular but it was calming for a bit until it was perhaps annoying. When I got up, I felt perhaps calmer and quieter, but that is also when I started feeling more sick.

I tried listening to other music as well to tie into streams of joy or love. There might be something there. A few songs tugged at me in weird ways even though I didn't know the songs. ChatGPT recommended them. One in particular seemed to remind me of something blocked in my memory or something. Made me feel a strange longing. This reminded me of how Jason Upton provided an interesting sense back when I was a Christian. IHOP in general kind of did that. Again, something about music... So I threw on some Jason and it kind of hurt. I remember the feelings of love and joy and hope that I no longer have and ultimately how let down I was by it all. I almost feel like Jason is an enemy at this point but I forced myself to face it. 

Due to sickness, I didn't do a whole lot. Watched TV mostly. Been watching Extraordinary. It's a fairly TV-MA type of show and it makes me wonder what the virtuous stream would think of it. The Christian zealot in me immediately says "bad!" but the atheist in me says it's just comedy and doesn't really have any negative impacts. It makes me laugh. You know a tree by its fruit so will my fruit be affected? I kinda doubt it. Still, I don't want to act like I know what the stream wants. But I'm not ready to dive in full zealot when I'm more or less toying around with this idea. I can't say I believe it, but it's a possibility and one I find tantalizing. It's interesting and science essentially says I can only be better off for trying it. So here's to continued trying. I just hope I'm not putting a target on my back for any evil streams... :-p.